I am my own Manchurian Candidate.

“M” is for Manchurian, not talking about the movie, which was awesome. I am speaking of the tiny voice in my head that tells me to not do something, tells me to stop doing something, tells me that it doesn’t matter, cannot matter and in the end will be fruitless all around. He is not the nicest voice, and isn’t really a voice, more like a stain of memory.

We likely all have this self immolating voice, the one from within that burns us time and time again, fear, false starts, procrastination. One minute we are on track for greatness, the next, B O O M ! We didn’t need to go anyplace special to manage to sabotage ourselves. We have slowly but steadily convinced ourselves, or allowed others to convince us that we can’t do something. It’s a difficult thing to overcome too, some of us never do, it’s a daily fight to do certain things.

We ring our own bells

Speaking only for me… I can’t fix things around the house, nope can’t do it. Been like this since I was a kid.Except I have definitive proof that I can, in fact fix things around the house. I have replaced all the outlets, outdoor lights, ceiling fans, walls. I can point to things and say I fixed that… outside gutters, the roof. In my head though is a quiet almost inaudible voice that exudes a feeling of hopeless inadequacy to the task. it’s not like the internal voice most of us have that debates ides around, its not really a voice at all. A I have to psych myself up to start something, research it look at it stare at it and convince myself that nothing I do to it can be worse than how it is now. Forever to start something… and I stop frequently when I run into a problem and have a hard time starting again. I feel like, or hope that most of us do something similar. Maybe, Maybe not… but If you do this too, know its not just you.

So there we have it… I Manchurian Candidate myself. Which is the movie you should watch… the old one not the newer one. 1962.

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