Hard to let go sometimes.. People, meaning other people, not you fine folks who read this stuff, are constantly trying to look like the good person in a break up. They want ways to make the other person break it off with them. So I did this little bit here to help out your friends. Show it to them, quiz them, coach them and help them along. Here is a list of the more common ones on the internet. Below that are some surefire ways for you to make them leave… hopefully without taking half of your things as they go… or at least not the things you care about.
1. Stop Having Sex.
This one could be hard (no pun intended), or not depending on just how badly you want that person gone. Let’s tell the truth though, sometimes you just need to get laid. It’s a biological urge , fight it. Replace it with something else, excessive drinking or perhaps consumption of mass amounts of Chocolate. See number four, you can tie this in to it. Physical intimacy is what helps us stay connected. Without it distance forms. In addition to sex stop, touching that person, even by accident and watch that chasm of hurt feeling widen and widen. If you only need to do this one you’re better off you should get something like “we’ve grown apart…”
Get them to lose all respect for you. It can be little things like not doing what you say you will. Not being where you say you are can do it too, but will make them curious as to where you “really” were. This is a quick way to get that person to lose interest, you can’t be with someone you don’t respect. Not being there for them can do this too. If you want to go to extremes you can start acting out of character and flip flopping on ideals they know you care about… like free speech…. or race relations :). It’s hard to get back respect but not hard to lose… same goes for trust.
This will also do the trick, although it takes a great deal of commitment to pull off. Who likes to be bored? No one right, couples do things together, it’s what makes life fun. Did you have a shared hobby? Get rid of it, lose interest in it… tie this in with number two above and your well on your way to being broken up with. “I’m sorry hun I just don’t care about our (whatever it is) you go on and do it by yourself”. The settle back to do something completely mind numbing to that person, like watching paint dry or water boil.
4. Become grotesque.
Just let it go, let it all go. Brushing teeth is for wusses anyway. Showers… only If I must. No need to shave anywhere, shower ever, or get haircuts. Just become a complete pig in your hygiene. This one can be tuff though… you still have to be able to work and there are not to many places I know of that will let you go into work looking like something that just crawled out of a dumpster…
Easiest thing in the world to do… be bland, be lame be nothing at all. Never make a choice, never show a preference… just go with whatever other people are doing. If someone says they love something.. well guess what you do too. Hate it, yep I do too… never ever offer an opinion on anything that doesn’t match exactly what someone else just said is theirs. Think sycophant, only without the cool word.
6. Become stagnant, something that would attract mosquitoes.
This goes well with a lack of any personality and the paint drying… Hobbies, passions, work, and everything else. Take the entire same shit different day attitude to a new level. Revel in what is, we don’t need new paint, new drapes, new clothes or new anything. No thoughts, ideas or even opinions need to change ever. You live a perfect life nothing ever needs to change again because life is good just as it is what could we possibly improve on. They will of course argue with you, let them.. and agree with them too because you have no personality at all. Wait ten minutes and then bring it up again 🙂
7. Grow lazy.
Effort is for people who aren’t stagnant, boring. no personality having people who shower and stuff. Doing house work or even helping with it is useless… It’s fine exactly like it is (see number 6). Laziness is an art form, be a master and all will be well.
If you can get the person to say the above e-card caption you’ve won, congratulations. Now go get the place cleaned up, and for goodness sake take a shower.