Adventures at the DMV — Festering Pit of Evil

The letters have replaced Numbers from Dante's Inferno

Department of Motor Vehicles.  Such a nice name for an evil place.  My adventure there began yesterday morning for a simple thing, renewing my registration.  I should have known when I got to the door it wasn’t going to be fun.  There was a line out the door.  So began my journey into the Abyss.

I’m convinced that the letters have replaced the numbered circles representing the different levels of hell of Dante’s Inferno.  The first circle or limbo seemed to have been replaced by the letter “B” which is the letter I had, making me feel like I was just waiting forever. I kept comparing my time in the building to Purgatory.  After several hours I was convinced I really was at the waiting room for hell. This was reinforced as I watched more and more of the scourge of humanity come inside and stack up against the walls like some version of a twisted roundup.

Second circle of Hell is now “G” it seems, for those lusting after vanity plates. Who would wait three hours to turn in some paperwork so they can have a personalized plate that says “DmbasHell” plus pay extra for it.

Then “C” for gluttony why it wasnt “G” im not sure but it wasn’t.  These were the fine folks who had to re-up and pay big for their DWI re-reinstatement.  Or temporary licenses.  They also staggered around leading me to believe they had some flasks stashed on them.  Chances are two of them got pulled over leaving the parking lot.

Greed was “I” and had more to do with the state wanting their ticket money then the people on line. These were the Lemmings who were paying for speeding when they really hadn’t done anything more then the rest of the Human herd animals on the highway today, they all speed.  It also encompassed the people who didnt pay the graft fee to their insurance company.

I couldnt figure out what letter Anger fell into but seems to me the whole place was simply brimming over with it so there goes the fifth circle of Hell.  The Workers were mad as were the humans held in thrall to the forces of Evil. I saw one almost escape on something called “Break” only to hear someone call a name and her turn to answer.  At which point she became a pillar of salt.

The 6th Circle for Heresy was replaced with the letter “E”.  These were the Forces of Evil themselves, the Security who took my Pitchfork and my torch away before allowing me into the room.  Also the receptionist who was a Succubus if ever i have seen one before.  I’m certain there were more in the back as I could just catch the hint of Brimstone coming from the back rooms.

7th circle is of course violence and this was now represented by the letter “I”.  These fine folks were everywhere, victims of trickery and false promises from both the Minions and Lackeys and forced to fill out forms in perpetuity they had become quite destructive.  They carve up the seats and each other and use the pens that cost a quarter to gouge out each others eyes when the pens fail to work on the papers they were tricked into taking in the first place.  Then at the end of the night the Minions refill the pen machines using the discarded and still broken pens.

The Eighth and Ninth circles seemed to have been downsized so fraud and treachery became “D”.  You know things are really screwed up when even Hell is being downsized to save on costs. The “D” People seemed to be moving faster, I’m pretty sure they just got absorbed into the ranks of the DMV minions as a reward for their trickery and fraudulent behavior to get through the line faster.  I don’t think it was worth it to them though it did make the line go faster since they started with only 4 paces open and ended with 9.

So took 3 hours and 41 minutes from the time at the door line till I escaped again.  Once I got to the Minion in charge of Purgatory she charged me $148.41 and handed me some papers then sent me on my way.  Took five minutes.  On the plus side I got to tell my story on here.  Still wasn’t worth it. Good thing I’m an Elf or I might never have escaped.  Plus I got a nice bloody pen as a keepsake!

2 Comments on “Adventures at the DMV — Festering Pit of Evil

  1. Very good Ed. I recently went also to DMV to renew registration. Upon entering, noticed I was the ONLY one in the place. Cost me $50 and out the door in 3 min. wow, never had that happen. Just lucky, I think! Enjoyed your article.


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