Gnomes are everywhere now. You see them in gardens, on porch steps, in trees, bushes and in our homes. It’s not safe anymore. Plastic gnomes, ceramic, concrete and curio variety’s I think they are alive and just waiting for us to let our guards down.
You’ve seen them peering out from behind the neighbors gardenias, hiding in the grass, behind stumps, watching through windows. What are the doing? The one holding the little flower-pot, “Aww how cute a Potter Gnome”. No! It’s really a ‘plotting gnome’ and he’s just waiting for us to turn our backs and then BLAM! They move, you know I’m right, you’ve all seen it. I saw one move yesterday or rather I didn’t see. I glanced away for one moment, distracted by a low whistle… When I first saw it the gnome had a sack on its back, I turned back,m sacks on the ground and he’s smoking a pipe. I look back to where the sound came from and see the backside of a gnome with his pants falling off, mooning me. Same gnome and don’t tell me all gnomes look-alike because they don’t. I didn’t imagine it. Just a few weeks ago I noticed three of them standing huddled in a group having what appeared to be a meeting. Next day one is on the bird feeder with binoculars around its neck, the lookout I imagine. The other two were hiding in the flowers near the mailbox one with an oversize garden hoe, the other a pair of vicious looking pruning shears. I think the mailman is in for it someone should warn him off his route today. Point is they are sneaky. I spoke to a neighbor well call her “Grace” whose yard has been completely infiltrated by the little people. She claims they were gifts and purchases she herself made. She must have 50 or so of the things in that yard, they scare me, always moving about. I think she’s in on it though I believe she’s harboring them, like the criminals they are. Question is from who? I’m thinking of moving before something truly horrifying occurs.
As bad as the outdoor gnomes are, the indoor ones scare me the worst. They sit under the lights in the curio cabinet, little smiles in place, innocent looking sacks and tools around them waiting, plotting. Some nights I pass the cabinet on my way to the kitchen and I swear the smiles seem painted on rather than genuine. This worries me, it worries me a lot. Those pickaxes and rakes look dangerous to me, and some of the gnomes smoke so, you know what that means, explosives can’t be ruled out of the equation. Common garden implements and fertilizers combined with a fuze and some fire? You do the math. You laugh, I’m serious they have access to coal and fire easily what else might they have in one of those sacks? Coal is dug out of the ground, well guess what? So is plutonium, so who’s laughing now huh? Huh? That’s what I thought.
So next time you see a Gnome, pay attention. Innocent? Benign? I think not. This could be just as serious a threat to us as the Home Appliance Insurrection of 2001, we all know how bad that got. Doctor still has me on medication for that one.
Real life. From a real mom. Raising real little people.
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